Writing: "nerves"

   Truth be told, I can't remember when I wrote this. It was in the last year, I know that much, but otherwise, I'm quite in the dark. The computer says 8/17/2012, but that could be the last time I edited it.

   This scribble is... a part of my heart, I guess. Nobody probably reads the tags, but for this one I've added "best friends" to the handful of identifying markers because I wrote this with myself and Penny's friendship in mind.

   While day described in the scrawl has not yet come for either of us (I am only seventeen, after all), I believe it shall, and when it does, I quite expect I shall be this nervous mess, on both counts. Maybe. We'll just have to see now, won't we?

   You should also note this isn't exactly representative of how Penny and I's conversations tend to go, but it is how some of them look to me. My grown-up, mature, and quite insightful ENFP of a best friend, giving me advice that makes me pause and go, "Oh, I hadn't though of it like that..." 

   The format is a bit weird, so it may take you a couple of sentences to adjust. Otherwise, I hope you'll find this to be amusing, if not a bit heart-warming.

   (The height difference is totally accurate though. I'm 5'Nothing" to her... 5'6", Penny?)

   Is this where I should comment that any similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental?


   i clasp my hands over my stomach, over that white, white fabric that has enveloped my small frame, its many folds trailing out behind me and whispering whenever i move. nervous anxiety has gripped me and it makes my guts begin to churn.
   where my mother is, i have no idea. the others all left me what felt like hours ago but must only be a few minutes in reality, per my own request.
   i'd wanted a little bit of time to compose myself and the only result thus far had been to only make myself more uncertain.
   had i made the right choice? was this who god was leading me to? could i spend the rest of my life with this man?
   the thoughts weighed down on me, forcing me to find a seat and try to regain my nerve.
   you've known him for years, everyone likes you, you love him, i told myself, taking in a deep breath, and then stilling when i heard the door into the room open.
   the eyes that peeked in i would've known anywhere and the questioning look made me smile despite myself.
   "can i come in?" she asked, stepping more fully into my line of vision.
   "always," i murmured in reply, dropping my gaze to my lap.
   she knows how to read me, she'll know what's going on.
   not that there is anything wrong with that.
   as i thought she would, my best friend of what must be almost two decades now came to sit next to me, smoothing out the fabric of her own gown - a gorgeous blue that she'd helped me pick out for the bridesmaid dresses.
   "it's okay to be scared." she said after a moment, voice quiet in the otherwise still room. "it's not everyday you decide to give your life to someone else forever."
   "thank you for that reminder," i grumbled halfheartedly, stomach rolling again because i can't do this but i can't dream of not doing this and--
   "trust me," she murmured softly and i felt her hand on my back, rubbing a vague circle to try and calm me. "i've been in your shoes before."
   "you wouldn't fit my shoes," i couldn't help but insert this somewhat witty comment, trying desperately to cover up my insecurity.
   her laugh was quiet, but i could tell she's not distracted from the original subject. "you remember last time we were in this position but our roles were reversed, right?"
   i mumbled an affirmative, recalling that time three years ago incredibly well, despite the time that had passed since.
   "you thought i was nervous but trying to hide it and took it upon yourself to try and reassure me, remember?" there's amusement in her voice and i huffed in response to it. "what was it you told me again?"
   "i just said that there was nothing to worry about because, in the movies, he's always just as nervous as she is, but you love each other and that'll make everything okay. even if you trip walking up the aisle, which you won't because you've got your big, buff daddy there to hold you up." i recited dutifully, then felt my ears heat. yes, i remembered every word of my nervous speech to my not-nervous best friend on her wedding day.
   i had practiced it for days in advance, after all.
   humor was back in her tone. "i haven't got anything like that for you, but maybe you should listen to your own advice."
   "i'd rather hear yours," i murmured, finally glancing up at her and seeing the warmth in her dark eyes. "if you've got anything. if not, that's fine. i can totally come up with something on my own and --"
   "hey," she stopped me with the quiet word, heading off my uneasy ramble before it got any further. "i have got something, if you're willing to hear it."
   "always."
   she nodded, studied me another moment, then said, "you love him, yes?"
   a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. "you actually want an answer to that?"
   there's laughter in her eyes again but she didn't let it escape her. "you told me the day you met him that you'd fallen in love with his eyes and his smile. a year later you said you thought god might be trying to tell you something when it came to you and him because nothing ever felt so right when you were together. you two kept god right here all through your journey to this point," the words were spoken quietly as she touched a finger to where my heart lay. "and he never asked you to give each other up. i am of the opinion, that when god approves, you're in love, your parents have given their permission, and your friends are in total agreement, you've found the right guy."
   i watched her quietly, always unsure of how to reply to her wisdom, but this time it seemed she had a bit more to say, saving me from the embarrassment of my own words a few minutes longer.
   "so when your dad comes to that door in a few minutes," she continued at last. "i want to see your chin held high and a smile on your face because you are marrying the man you love. and i like to think that god is up there smiling somewhere because one of his precious children is getting married today and he could not be more proud of you."
   words stuck to my throat and i couldn't speak for a moment. "you cannot make me cry right now because my sister put heavens-knows how much makeup on my face that has the potential to smear."
   now she laughs, the sound quiet yet loud in the small room and i can't help but join her.
   when our amusement dies down, i hug her, having to go up on tiptoe so i can rest my chin on her shoulder, arms tight around her "thank you," i whisper, emotion making my voice uneven. "thank you so much for everything."
   "you're welcome," she whispers in reply, her embrace just as tight as mine is.
   "there will still be an us after this," i say, drawing back enough to look at her face and seeing the tears in her eyes. "he and i will get back from the honeymoon and it'll be back to instant messaging everyday and random phone calls whenever we feel like it."
   "maybe not everyday," humor is back on her face. "but often."
   i let out a gusty sigh. "every other day, then. i can't live without you for that long, you know."


   So, there you have it. I've always found that the art of writing without any capitalization to be a somewhat... special one, I suppose. It makes it feel more personal to me, somehow.

   But anyways. I shall leave you to your day, while I got and watch North & South starring Richard Armitage, who many of you might know as Thorin from The Hobbit.

   Many thanks, dear readers, for doing what you do best when it comes to this blog, and that is, reading, as one might expect. Have a lovely Sunday or Monday or whatever day it is when you read this.

   Ad astra per aspera.
   To the stars, through difficulties.

Characters

   As a member of a young writer’s forum, I’ve heard people say that their characters are completely their own entities. That some things they do are just utterly out of the blue, and while I agree with that to some extent, it has become glaringly obvious, particularly in the past few months of my life, that the characters of a writer are very much a part of them.

   I believe that, as writers, there is always some fundamental part of ourselves that gets injected into the characters we create. It may not necessarily be a character trait; maybe a hope, a dream, or a darkness that you hadn’t realized was inside of you.

   It’s said that the best way to teach is to show, so that’s what I shall do. As I stated above, I’ve come to realize that I share some rather intimate and personal traits with a few of my characters. And, of course, those characters are three of my most developed.

   One embodies my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. One embodies my desire to protect those I love, even if it means trying to hide myself away to do so. And the last embodies a wish. A wish to be able to love with all my heart, to be able to forgive… and then to forget.

   Jaydn Schaefe started out as an impetuous girl. Almost reckless, something of a daredevil, and definitely not fitting with the person she grew to be as I continued to work with her. Initially, she seemed fine. A bit quiet, a bit withdrawn, but I figured that was just her Gogamian heritage showing through.

   Not quite, as it turned out.

   I had always been curious to see what type of dynamic Jaydn and Nuridarr, Penny’s Gogamian character (see A Family and A Desert for details), would have. She was supposed to be something of a connector between Sarris and Nuridarr, and I believe that she did, to some extent. But, the dynamic.

   We hadn’t been sure how to bridge the fact that Nuridarr probably didn’t just pop in and drag Novarr and Sarris’ daughter off to attend some bounty hunter business or another, so we did a crossover to a different world that Penny has with a friend of hers. A Steampunk world, in a city called Sanbourne. At first, I immensely enjoyed it, staying up until the wee hours of the morn while we talk-gamed through their adventures.

   The point, though: Tara. Or, in that world, Natasha “Tasha” Bennet. They met/saved her within, oh, just a few days of our talk-gaming them and Jade was fine with her, in the beginning.

   But in Sanbourne, there was no Schaefe family. It was Jade and Nathaniel (Nuridarr) and they were pretty much everything to each other. I shouldn’t have been surprised with how Jade reacted to Tasha’s increased presence in their lives, but I was. Nathan fell in love with Tasha over the course of a few months, and when he did, Jade reacted… not violently, but emotionally violently.

   It’s still hard to say (or, perhaps, just hard to remember) what it was that Jade lashed out against so badly. Part of it was that she was in love with Nathan herself; she’d hoped she would be enough for him and couldn’t understand why he needed Tasha as well. It didn’t make sense to her, because it had always been just them, and then he just let Natasha in as well. And she felt replaceable, I believe. Unneeded. Her presence wasn’t something that was required for Nathan’s continued health and happiness, and so she retracted, trying to protect her heart from a breakage that was only caused by herself.

   It was only a downward spiral from there. She moved out, away from Nathan and Tasha after they got married. She started working alone instead of with Nathan, like they had since she was nine. It cost, eventually. There’s always a cost.

   Anyways. I’m sorry. Getting lost down that long, dreary road of memory.

   Long story short, all that I’ve described to you above is… Well, I didn’t see it at first, but it’s a large part of who I am myself. Not just Jaydn, me. It scared me rather badly to realize all the similarities between us and I’m still struggling with my own version of what Jaydn fought in the Sanbourne crossover. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, a general feeling of not being wanted, when they are entirely unwarranted.

   That was a long bunny trail, but I hope you see what I mean. What began as a completely autonomous character made me see a part of myself I didn’t even know existed. And it really turned out to just be the surface of a boatful of doubt – both of others and myself – that I’ll probably be struggling with for a long time.

   But no, my discoveries in how my characters reflect myself are not all dark, gloomy, and bad for my emotional stability. As I’ve slowly recovered from whatever deep spot I dropped into, I’ve noticed other qualities in Sarris and Ruusan that I both hope I have and wish to be able to have someday.

    When it comes to Sarris, I like to think she and I share this desire to protect those we love from things that would harm them. Even if it means protecting them from ourselves. For Sarris, that might mean pushing people away with a surly attitude and a sharp word or even just walking away. For me, that means not saying what’s on my heart, which is a chronic failing of mine. I won’t get into it.

   I guess what I’m saying is, that, with Sarris, I like to think that I’ve got the same ability to protect inside of me that she has inside of her. Sarris would gladly lay down her life for Tara, Novarr, her daughters, even Nuridarr, who she doesn’t like that much. And, even though I haven’t really had a chance to test it (probably a good thing), I want to believe that I would give up my own future for my siblings or friends.

    Lastly now, Ruusan. There hasn’t been a day that I’ve regretted the conception of the idea for her character, unlike her little sister, who I regret every time I think of her. Ruusan has one of the purest hearts my characters have ever had, and she is capable of so much love that it takes my breath away sometimes.

    For instance, Ruusan was an ERTP. That is to say, an Emergency Response Transport Paramedic. She worked as a medic in a sci-fi ambulance, in littler words. She spent a good deal of time in the hospital as well, where she met Cameron. I knew from the moment I came up with Cameron that he was going to die.

   Terminally ill, not likely to last more than a year, and Ruusan married him despite all that. She knew her heart would break one day but she gave it up anyways. Their daughter, Vivian, was born the day that Cameron died. (Author powers give one the ability to cause really convenient coincidences.)

   She moved to a planet called Norsha’ac after Cameron death with a two month old Vivian and stayed in an apartment near her Aunt Tara and Uncle Nuridarr because it was a bit too much for her to stay at home on Sinjaro Kahn.

   Ruusan has a heart created to love, though. She needs someone to take care of, but she needs to be taken care of in return and even though neither of them planned it (at all, but I totally did since the first day I knew about them both) Ruu fell in love with Jhidek Vhander.

   They’re adorable, really. The stories I could tell you… but won’t, because then I’d be really, really off the beaten path.

    That is all what amazes me, though, and what I wish I was capable of. Pure, unimpeded love for everyone I care about. Yes, Ruusan and Jhidek have had their differences, but she never once doubted him, while I doubt constantly.

   Ruusan is what I hope I can be, maybe one day.

   I hope that this very lengthy post has accomplished what I set out to do with it. To demonstrate that while, yes, our characters can make choices we definitely wouldn’t normally make, they are still a part of us. (Villains are a different matter altogether, of course, and one that I haven’t really thought about.) If there’s a recurring trait in your characters, maybe stop and look at that aspect of them more closely, and then compare it to your own persona.

   You may be surprised by what you find.

    Ad astra per aspera.

    To the stars, through difficulties.