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Showing posts with label content warning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label content warning. Show all posts

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas! + Writing

    Two posts in one month! Quick, look out your window, is the world coming to an end?

    Business first: I hope you are all having an absolutely amazing Christmas season. Whether it be with your family and the traditions you grew up with or with a new family or even just important friends, let this be a holiday of bonding, gratitude, and laughter.

    Life races ahead of us without scarce allowing us to breathe and it's easy to forget that the years that race by are also years of living and breathing that are slipping away. You get older, your parents get older, your grandparents get older. Appreciate the people important to you this Christmas. Take that time to sit and talk, to fill your grandparents in on your goals, hug your mom and remind her that you'll always be her kid, stay up late laughing with that friend who means everything. 

    Jesus is the reason for the season. The season is about sacrifice that's more recognized as giving now. Give the gifts, but give the emotional commitment as well this year. 

    I'm leaving home and flying the nest in three months. It's a freeing and yet drowning weight, one that flutters in my chest during the day and churns in my stomach at night. Every occasion that we pass--Thanksgiving, my twentieth birthday, Christmas--I am reminded that I don't know where I'll be next year. 

    So I'm giving these holidays as much as I have to offer. Sitting and working through my plans with my extended family. Listening to my mom when she wants me to take someone with me to do errands, even if I'll on my own soon anyways. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can offer is a willing spirit and opens arms.

    Merry Christmas, guys. Truly. Hopefully you have snow on the ground outside, or some favorite Christmas music blasting right now. (And have a joyous New Year's!)

    Now, onto the writing portion of this post.

    I've got two things to post--the Jade drabble will be first. We were in the car for three+ hours this afternoon and inspiration struck like lightening for a musing deviant!Jade scrawl. It came out of nowhere, so there's your reasoning for how irregular it is.

    The second I decided to try and do a couple of days ago, and we'll see if I can push through and finish before too long. Basically, I watched a romcom Christmas movie called A Princess for Christmas (it is as bad as it sounds, despite some familiar acting faces) and decided there needed to be a Jandy and Dechlan AU for it. Hopefully, my take on the sad plot is a bit better. 

    I found twenty-five, Christmas themed prompts and have written four of them, plus an intro. Also, the writing ability is a tad rusty and they might suck. Just as a warning.


    In a clinical, intimate way, Jaydn is aware that she could burn down the galaxy with her bare hands, if she put her mind to it. It would be easy—start at the top and topple everything on her way down.
    Wars are easy to start—far easier than ending them, to say the least. (She knows, she’s done both before.)
    Sometimes, she thinks about it, when it late and dark and there’s blood dripping from her fingertips onto her soul. It’s impossible to not know what her parents have tamed, have harnessed and set loose upon those who truly deserve the battering storm within her.
    They do not know that it takes willpower to walk away from every ground level informant, to not kill them and leave their torn corpse on the ground behind her as she rips apart the organization they comply with one confederate at a time. 
    Yes, Jade wants very much, sometimes. To let the black tide swell and break in her breast and set the incendiary that ends everything. There is the ability in her hands to shoot governments between the eyes and make syndicates fall on their own swords and the knowledge causes her being tremble—with fear, with excitement, it’s hard to say.
    But the turbulent ocean within is dammed, held back with an iron hand by what she has been raised and taught by. The sure fingers and calloused palms that could rain down terror and destruction at will have been pressed against the cheeks of her mother, held by the rough hands of her father. Jaydn looks down at the supernova contained by flesh and bone and sees the tears they have wiped away from the cheeks of their merriment incarnate, the anger they have staid and the recklessness they have quelled. Her makers have built a guardian, protector, defender, instead of stirring the roiling chaos. 
    Jade knows to be grateful. That is the response, when disaster is averted.
    But oh, how she longs to be destruction. To break through the stays and blaze a path through the stars that will be spoken of for a millennia. The thought alone is heady, seductive, the most powerful philter she’s ever experienced. The desire to cut her ties, to sever her links to sentiment and attachment and weakness, is overpowering. The universe is at her fingertips, she just has to take it.
    Jaydn wants, very much. But she quells with the same might that would bring down the heavens and force them to their knees before her. She channels the impulse into their cause, into a glance that makes men falter with foreboding, into the slow breaths she takes before the trigger depresses beneath her touch. Her facade of overprotective becomes her cover and yet is not a show in the least.

    If there would ever be a reason to become the arsonist history would never know and never forget, it would be for the humans who have shaped her world and give her a purpose. Jade knows, subconsciously and on every waking level, that her making will be her breaking. The provocation to coax the phoenix to eruption would be rooted in the five mortals that have caged her demons. 


    Again, don't ask me. The inspiration bowled me over like a speeding train and then sped away before I could tag along to get some work done on the Jandy/Dech prompts. Yay.

    Onto the fun stuff!

    Mild Warning for brief crass wording. For lack of a better explanation. Jandy wanted to cuss everybody out, but we kept it PG. 


(prompts from tumblr blog, the-girlwhowouldbeking, and the plot might be from a Christmas-themed romance called A Princess for Christmas.)

    So, this is how the story goes. On her twenty-fifth birthday—well, our twenty-fifth birthday—Jane Miriam Sparks married one (disowned) Charles Yates Scott of Manchester, England, and they were as happy as two beings could be together. I would know; I lived nearby for the first six months of their marriage before Jane told me to live the life I’d never had because of her.
    It was little over a year later that I came back when their daughter, Adeline Ella was born, with breathtaking brown eyes and the softest wisps of hair. Jane cried, Charles cried, and I laughed a lot. Life has held a lot of things for me, but being an aunt was one I never imagined. 
    I’d been traveling for my job when I got a call that ended everything.
    As if one near-fatal incident with a car wasn’t enough for my baby sister, she and Charles were both killed in a head-on collision three days before Christmas.
    It took social services another month to track me down and when they did—there’s no thinking at that point, you know?
    She’s my niece and she had nobody else but me. I dropped everything and went to find her.
    You want to know what really steams me? Charles’ family got called before me, because apparently if you’ve got a family of somebodies who disowned their son offhand, they’re the ones to contact first before the nobody sister. 
    Here’s the real kicker: they did nothing. I talked to the hospital staff, social services, the foster family who had Adeline and the most contact any of them received from across the pond was one fax and a phone call. 
    The call said the fax was coming and the fax was paperwork relinquishing any rights to their parentless granddaughter.
    Pissed off doesn’t quite cover it. 
    Though I admit relief to not have to fight any custody battles. Jandy Sparks off the streets of NYC doesn’t quite hold the same shine as English monarchy. 
   Adeline has been mine for almost a year of all-nighters, fevers, and soiled diapers and last week this suit who introduced himself as Thomas—just Thomas, mind you; first name, last name, help me out here—told me that the Scott family wants Adeline and I to come out for Christmas.
    Out to England. Me. With an infant who’s still sensitive to loud noises and unfamiliar places.
    That’s rich.
    But I’m a sleep-deprived, pseudo-mom that’s also an idiot and I said yes after a day of stewing. 
    When it comes down to it, how many chances are going to roll around to find out about Adeline’s father and his roots? I want to be able to tell her about the man who loved her mother enough that he left a fairytale behind for her.
    My main stipulation, of course, was room, board, and airfare. Look up the costs of traveling halfway around the world to England. At peak holiday season, no less.
    Thomas arranged everything for us and then left a few days in advance to “prepare for our arrival”. I packed two suitcases, an umbrella stroller, and the fullest military-grade backpack known to mankind, and got on a plane to the United Kingdom with a baby in a carrier.


1—Mistletoe

    Gritty eyes, an aching head, and a bent-out-of-shape neck were doing nothing for Jandy’s mood. Adeline had done very little but fuss for the majority of their four connecting flights spanning almost an entire day of travel. 
    Jandy stood on the airport sidewalk in somewhere called Manchester, breathing in the crisp air, her niece bundled up well in her carseat—finally out for the count. The indoors had gotten too stifling so she’d undergone the exhausting process of moving them outside, hoping help would arrive soon.
    Christmas decor had been liberally applied to the towering structure, with red bows and evergreen garlands, and high, high above the hub of activity inside, little pieces of mistletoe tacked onto the streamlined arches.
    Jandy had had more than enough time to study each and every one of them while waiting for anyone to show up and rescue them. It had also given her ample opportunity to question, once again, why she was even here.
    The answer was inescapable—for Adeline.
    For Adeline, and for what might very well be her only chance to know the world of the father she’d never know.
    Everything Jandy did was for her niece now, much like once her every waking moment had been committed to Jane.
    Letting out a long breath, Jandy crouched down to peek beneath the blanket pulled over the baby’s face. Aside from a pink nose from the warmth of her little cocoon, the baby slumbered on, lost to the world.
    There must’ve been a miscommunication about their arrival—hadn’t that Thomas fellow said someone would be waiting to drive them the two remaining hours to the manor where Charles had been raised?
    Jandy stifled a groan but didn’t want to let it out, considering the bustle of people also on the sidewalk and a lack of desire to be seen as the whacked out Yank. More than she already was, in her bold blue Short But Dangerous t-shirt and the undercut style to her hair that she was loathe to grow out, even with her new identity as mother first, kickboxing trainer second. 
    Kneading at the crick in her neck, Jandy resigned herself to her fate and looked up when a man said, “You have my most sincere apologies, Miss Sparks, for the delay.”


2—Hot Chocolate

    “Would you like any particular beverages, Miss Sparks? I can have Anne bring it up to your room. Tea? Mulled wine? Perhaps some hot chocolate?” Thomas asked as he escorted Jandy up the icy front steps of the frosted manor, one hand at her elbow.
    Misbalanced as she was while toting Adeline about, the trainer was thankful for the support. Two plus hours in a car was doing nothing for her right now. “Just a couple bottles of water and if you have some milk on hand we can warm up, I’d like to get some of that into Adeline before we crash out.”
    Anything further she might’ve had to say was wiped away when they moved through the mud room into the entryway—if it could be called that. The ceiling was high, the wooden floorboards gleaming, and the columns along the walls of unblemished marble. She’d never watched Downton Abbey but this felt like walking right onto the set. 
    Decorations—garlands, bows, wreaths, poinsettias—were placed at regular, unerring intervals, adding a Christmas mood on a whole new level. Jandy's thoughts went back to her two-room apartment and the sparing, homemade evidence of the season there.
    Trust the Scott family to make her feel inadequate from the get go, she mused, too drained to get worked up about it. 
    Jandy eased Adeline’s carrier to the floor, dark gaze flickering from paintings to doors and then to Thomas, who stood by with a patient smile. His suit was still perfectly crisp despite the long return trip to Dunham Manor. 
    “The manor and grounds have belonged to the Scott family for many generations. It may look aged on the surface, but it receives regular refurbishments and upgrades, have no fear. You will find everything is quite modern.” The butler explained, gesturing to the long hall ahead of them in invitation.
    With her suitcases already being toted to unknown regions of the house, Jandy picked up the carseat again and offered a brief smile. “Good to know. Do I need to worry about looking like a slob for a welcoming committee?”
    “No, ma’am. Mr. and Mrs. Scott have retired already and the rest of the family will not arrive for two days yet.” 
    Thomas led the way across the waxed floors and Jandy finally decided to just explore tomorrow, focusing on the black suit coat ahead of her with a single-minded focus. She still had duties to attend tonight and then both she and Adeline needed a full night of sleep.
    Their path wound through hallways straight out of Pride & Prejudice—one of Jane’s favorite movies—and up narrow staircases that made her thankful for the long years of training that had honed her body. Adeline was no longer six months old and the weight difference was noteworthy.
    Stopping beside a set of deep mahogany doors, the butler pushed them open to reveal a tasteful, well-furnished room, complete with a pack-and-play in the corner, as per Jandy’s own wishes. The color scheme was a soothing mesh of beige and cream, heavy tan curtains pulled across two tall windows, no light peeking around the edges. 
    Her two stuffed suitcases were already settled on luggage stands, the backpack between them. 
    Jandy was relieved on several levels. No matter how bad this holiday might get, this would be a good place to retreat and sequester when needed.
    Thomas turned to her and Jandy gave him her attention. “If you don’t mind, I’ll leave you here and go find Anne. She’ll bring up your refreshments and help you with any needs you might have. The bathroom is attached and we’ve stocked the room with a variety of supplies we thought might be necessary for Miss Adeline.”
    “That sounds perfect, thank you, Thomas. I’m sure I’ll appreciate it all a lot more with a few hours of sleep under my belt.” Mild humor lightened her exhaustion and the retainer responded to it, amusement appearing on his serene features.
    “It’s our pleasure, Miss Sparks. We’re grateful that you chose to come so far at a considerable personal cost and will strive to make your stay here at Dunham Manor a pleasant one.” The lilt of his accent lent the words a certain warmth that might’ve been lacking otherwise. 
    There was no point fighting the fondness already manifesting so Jandy let a laugh escape her chest. “You’re awesome, Thomas. I’ll see you in the morning?”
    The colloquialism stymied him for a moment but the man recovered in an admirable amount of time. “Yes, Miss. Sleep well. Anne will be up to attend you shortly.”


3—Snow

    The beeping had been sounding for several minutes now. Jandy had been ignoring it in favor of that heaven known as sleep but now Adeline was beginning to make grumbling noises.
    Time to rise and conquer, then.
    Flopping onto her back, the woman reached to stab at her phone—now just a glorified mp3 player, with international call rates being what they were—and then stare at the ceiling.
    We’re in England. In Charles’ family home. To spend Christmas with his family. 
    The impossibility of the whole situation was still surreal. Jandy sat up and raked her fingers through her loose hair, tugging on the ends. Jet lag was going to be a real problem; schedule changes never went over well, especially in the last year.
    Adeline cooed from her pack-and-play, tucked into the closet. Well, someone was a happy camper.
    Rolling out of bed, the trainer padded across the thick rug to the window and pushed open the curtains to reveal paned-windows, frosty at the corners. The temperature must’ve dropped even further after they arrived last night, which wasn’t much of a surprise, with the way the wind had howled.
    Jandy pressed her forehead to the glass, wondering if they had any decent trails around to run on. She’d packed all her exercise gear, knowing the need to get out and burn off energy would be needed every couple of days.
    Snow blanketed the country side in a heavy blanket, untouched except for the shoveled road they’d arrived on. The trees were sparse past the immediate house grounds, but there were a couple other houses—estates?—on the horizon.
    “Maaaaa-maaaaa,” Adeline drew out and then squealed, sounding quite alert and in a good humor—which would change when she decided she was hungry, but Jandy took what she could get.
    A grin pulled at the corner of her mouth as she left the window and crossed to the closet, peeking in the crack before easing it open. “Good morning, my sunshine,” she greeted, delight spilling over at the picture that the baby made.
    Adeline stood at the edge of her crib, her wide smile revealing the baby teeth they’d both suffered over. She waved her arms, a plea to be rescued, while she giggled with elation. “Up!”
    “What do we say, Adeline?”
    “Pease!” 
    “Good girl,” Jandy praised, swinging her up and out of the bed, nuzzling into her soft cheek. “Hello, my love.”
    The baby babbled and cooed, chubby arms flailing before wrapping around Jandy’s neck. Adeline buried her face in her guardian’s shoulder with another bubbly laugh.
    Swaying with every step, an unbreakable habit from long nights with a fussy infant, Jandy carried them both back out into the bedroom, where Adeline looked around, eyes bright with interest. A quick visual search confirmed there wasn’t anything at hand level to the eighteen-month-old to worry about so she set the baby down on her feet.
    “Shall we get dressed and find breakfast, Dell?”

4—Candy Canes

    Walter Scott, patriarch of the Scott family, eyed the small wreath hanging on the wall with distaste. It was an imitation—Marianne’s allergies included evergreen—but the colors were unavoidable. Bright imitation berries were mingled with miniature candy canes and warm lights, the entire piece finished off with a vivid red bow.
    “Sir?” 
    Roland’s voice broke him from his thoughts and Walter turned to the retainer, pushing aside his irritation with the season. “Yes?”
    “Mrs. Scott is awaiting your presence in the breakfast room and Thomas would like to know if Miss Sparks will be joining you for the meal.” The manservant reported without missing a beat, any feelings he might have on the situation hidden with care behind a serene front.
    Walter weighed his options for a brief moment. He had a certain ambiguity to the presence of his only grandchild, unable to decide his feeling until he actually saw her, but he knew Mari would want to see the child. “Inform Thomas to send Anne up for Miss Sparks and—my granddaughter. I’ll join my wife in the meantime.”
    “Very well, sir.” Roland offered a brief bow and departed, disappearing into the depths of the substantial manor.

//

    Jandy hadn’t expected the small, cherubic maid to tell them the morning meal would be served in the breakfast room. She sat, frozen, in the middle of brushing a squirming Adeline’s hair into two ponytails, while Anne smiled, the expression genuine.
    “Shall I inform them you’ll be done with Miss Adeline shortly, ma’am?”
    The inquiry kicked her brain back into gear and Jandy finished putting a rubber band into her niece’s fine hair. Adeline got to her feet with a couple of grunts and hurried off to where her pile of toys was waiting. Snorting her initial amusement, the trainer stood and faced Anne.
    “Yes, please. Should I change into something more—formal?” Jandy hesitated, beginning to gesture to her jeans and her navy sweater that was nice but not formal, per say.
    The maid shook her head almost before the question was out. “No, ma’am. You’ll be perfectly fitting in whatever you have. Miss Elinor tends to wear what she pleases when at Dunham Manor and you’re welcome to do the same.”
    Not an amazing comfort, but Jandy would take it. Offering a smile in return, she replied, “Sounds good. We just need to put on some shoes and then would be grateful for a guide.”
    “It would be my pleasure, Miss!” Anne was almost as bubbly as a happy Adeline.
    
//

    “Miss Sparks and Miss Adeline, sir,” Thomas announced when Anne stepped to the side of the door, allowing Jandy a view of a rather formal, in her opinion, breakfast table, and its two occupants.
    Charles’ father had a severe face, no doubt from his time in the Royal Navy and current role in England’s political fields. His steady gaze was assessing but gave nothing else away. Jandy got the feeling that she wouldn’t know what he thought of them unless Walter wanted her to.
    It was easier to see her sister’s husband in his mother—there was warmth buried deep in the creases around her mouth and eyes. But she was similarly ambiguous to their arrival.
    Adeline struggled to get out of her grasp and Jandy’s attention was diverted. A glance down at the baby revealed a creased brow and a pout at her failing escape attempts. Meltdown imminent, then. 
    “Sorry for our tardiness. Adeline’s not a fan of shoes,” Jandy greeted, tone light but careful. The progression of this conversation would set the tone of the next two weeks and she was hyperaware of that fact.
    “That’s quite alright,” Marianne Scott lilted, rising a beat and leaving the table to approach the duo with an air of politeness that didn’t set well with Jandy. “This is her, then?”
    The situation was surreal—introducing a grandmother to her first grandchild as if it were no more than a business negotiation. A certain amount of regret that the relationship was at this level weighed in her chest, but it was mingled with smoldering anger. They were the ones who’d cut ties because they didn’t agree with Charles marrying an American with nothing to her name but an associate’s degree.
    Missing the first year and a half of Adeline’s life was on them, not on her.
    Tightening her jaw, Jandy fixed a smile on her mouth. “Yes. This is Adeline. Adeline, can you say hello to Mrs. Scott?”
    Marianne’s blue eyes flickered from her granddaughter, who clung to Jandelyn’s leg and hid in her pant, to the child’s guardian. Jandy stared back, unmoved. Your play, Grandma.
    The older woman relented after a beat, sorrow ghosting through her eyes as she eased down to Adeline’s level. “It would be—my honor if she would know me as grandmother, Miss Sparks.”
    Triumph flared for a brief moment, unavoidable. Jandy might’ve spent too much time in fights—both of the aggressive and professional variety—but they’d taught her valuable lessons. Put up a strong front and your opponent will think twice about attacking you head on.
    Crouching down as well, Jandy patted Adeline’s back when she tried to press close, ducking her face away. “Come on, Dell, your grandma wants to say hi. Can you wave?” Her powers of persuasion weren’t usually up to snuff but Adeline was feeling obedient.
    She didn’t quite make eye contact, but she peeked out from Jandy’s shoulder to the stranger smiling at her, one chubby hand uncurling in a flapping motion before she hid again. 
    As the only witness to the quiet moment, Jandy was surprised at the tears that filled Marianne’s eyes before she hurried to blink them away. Taking pity, she scooped up Adeline and stood, finding where Thomas had pulled a chair out.
     Walter hadn’t moved from his position. Casting him a brief look, Jandy took her seat and deposited Adeline on her lap, almost immediately having to grab chubby hands that lunged for the chinaware on the table.


    And that's all for now! I'm hoping to do some plinking tonight while watching Persuasion, so there could be a second post yet tonight.

    You guys are awesome. Keep it up.

    Ad astra per aspera.
    To the stars, through difficulties.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Writing: Sarris (military!au)

    Well, it's not Valentine's Day, which is probably a good thing, after rereading this blurb.

    It's not quite in the festive spirit, let's put it that way. ::cough::

    Inspiration source: a rewatch of Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and the beginning sequence of him joining the military and subsequently being badly injured in a helicopter crash, landing him in Walter Reed Hospital for rehab. 

    I'm not sure what it was about it, but the combo made me want to write Sarris in a similar situation, although my focus is on the emotional journey for her as she struggles through rehab, and not on the "life after" portion. Not yet, anyways.

    Mild content warning for the scrawl in general. There's not a lot of details, but Sarris was injured in a tangle with a bomber while deployed overseas, and is not handling the end of her career as a soldier very well. It's overall darker than I tend to write and there is some talk of PTSD. Just as a head's up.

    Also, I was terribly lazy in the research department and just threw in details that may or may not be accurate to how the process actually works. 

    (Kudos to those who can guess who the "her" is that Sarris thinks about.)


    It happens nine months into her seventh deployment.
    Afterwards, they tell her about her own bravery, about the lives she saved in one blind moment of reaction. It’s on the news, on the lips of her nurses, her doctor, the members of her squadron who are allowed to make the flight to see her—everywhere she looks.
    All Sarris remembers is the split instant where she’d recognized the telltale signs of a bomber on that man and her body had moved itself on instinct. The instincts that had kept her alive and uninjured through every tour she’d asked for until that point.
    When she wakes up in the NATO hospital in Kandahar a week later, after days of passing in and out of agonized consciousness, red hazes of pain, they tell her about the people she’d saved before they tell her the price of those actions.
     She’s never going to be able to walk the same way again. Her hearing is shot on her right side, and the shrapnel she’d taken all down her back limits mobility in her right arm and means when she first regains consciousness, she can’t feel anything past her hips.
    They say she’ll be getting a medal—medals, in fact—and she couldn’t have cared less. She’s not going back to the front lines, where she has lived for the past eight years of her life. Where she belongs. The only place where the innocent blood on her hands weighs a little less.
    Only her CO seems to get it, somewhere in the subtext, when he comes three weeks later, right before she’s scheduled to head to Maryland and Walter Reed to undergo multiple surgeries, heal, and then start rehabilitation.
    “You’re getting an honorable discharge. The doc said there’s no way you’ll be back in the field, even if you do well in rehab. You’re done, Nadir.”
    “I know.”
    “You did well. You had a good run and we’re going to miss you out there. I know you’ve never been much of a people person, but you should know we trusted you to watch our backs, Master-Sergeant.”
    “Yes, sir.”
    “You’ll be alright. Get through rehab. Everything else will fall in place.”
     She’d had no answer for that.
    Ten years of her life she’d devoted to the United States Army, with no intentions beyond giving everything she had left of herself for others. Because of those two lives she had taken, had never been convicted of. That gang—the Shedek—would always be with her, inked as deeply in her skin as they were in her soul, but that doesn't mean she will ever stop trying to erase the damage they, and by extension, her, had wrought.
    And now even that had been ripped from her.

    //

   The flight stateside was one of the longest she’s ever endured. Even longer than three years ago, when her squad had returned home less two members.
    She starts refusing the pain meds the day before she’s scheduled to ship out back to the U.S., and not even the jarring motion of takeoff and the subsequent hours of turbulence bring her to submission. It doesn't mean her three attending nurses don't offer at least half a dozen times to hit her with a shot of morphine.
    The doctor that meets her two days later in another white, sterile room doesn't have much more to say than the one in Afghanistan. They’ll operate, repair as much of the damage as they can, then she's going to rehab for at least a year.
    Days passes in a blur of time, beginning and ending with a blinding veil of pain. It wakes her up in the middle of the night without fail, which she never admits, even when the doctor who comes in at oh-eight-hundred on the dime every morning asks her several pointed questions about it.
     It’s late summer in Maryland, which means oppressive humidity outside if there’s not another sporadic bout of heavy rain. After her surgeries are done, all three of them, Sarris goes outdoors as often as her caretakers will both take her and let her. Which isn’t often, but she needs the change of scenery if she’s not going to lose her mind.
    Television has never interested her—she knows all she needs to about the state of the world (she prefers newspapers anyways) and there’s no point to watching the countless television shows that are prolific on cable—and it’s hard to find a delivery address for Amazon if she wants to order books.
    The nurses are too friendly—always asking about her family, if she’s sure there’s no one she wants to call, and what a unique set of tattoos she has, what’s the story? The doctors are too repetitive—always the same information, over and over.
    Sarris considers trying to get in touch with her, but knows better than to even contemplate it. Their parting hadn’t been on good terms. Even though Sarris has recognized that missing piece in her life, she knows there is a very slim chance that she’s been forgiven of the things said that day. 
    (“He will be the death of you.”)
    And there’s nothing that she can do anyways. It’s over and all that’s left is to pick up the pieces. 
    A month after her final surgery and some preliminary rehabilitation, the hospital staff moves her from her too-white room to an alternate ward in a different building altogether. She isn't mobile enough to take care of herself off-site and with no family being produced, the military becomes her primary guardian. Unless she improves in leaps and bounds, enough to navigate Baltimore unaided, the hospital will remain her prison until they deem her fit for release. 
    As she has with everything else life has bombarded her with, Sarris bears through the torment that every waking moment is with silent neutrality. 
    It is not the worst storm she's ever weathered. 
    It may be the second most devastating, but at least it is only her that bleeds this time. No one else. Just her.
    (Murderer. Killer. You deserve this. This is punishment for your crimes.)
    Sarris shuts her eyes to blank out the smiling nurse and the bag of fluids she carries and wishes the disembodied voices in her head could be blocked out just as easily. 

    //

    “Hey, Nadir!”
    Silence.
    “Nadir?”
    Nothing.
    “Oh, come on, at least it isn’t your first name.”
    Continued quiet.
    “Alright, fine, Master-Sergeant Nadir, would you please stop and lend me a moment of your apparently precious time?”
    "What do you want, Doctor Schaefe?" She doesn't lose focus on the task at hand—one foot in front of the other, one step at a time—hating the burn in her body over something so simple as walking. The two parallel bars are warming beneath her lingering grip.
    Over-friendly, incessantly inquisitive. Warm brown eyes and genuine compassion for his patients. (She fights not to see it as weakness.) He plants himself in her path, too close for comfort and there’s nowhere to go besides backwards, which sounds two times as complex as moving forward at this point. "First, you've been going for twenty minutes and need to sit down."
    She looks up, meets that knowing expression, that easy-going but not to be ignored persona that's been hounding her since day one in this personal Hell, and is aware that he's correct. Her body is shaking from the effort that every step takes, perspiration beading her forehead.
    That doesn’t mean she’s going to let him know it, though. Tightening her fingers around the bars keeping her upright, Sarris stares him down, unflinching. 
    Schaefe narrows his eyes at her, pensive, but continues speaking after a short delay. “Second, the nurse said you left even the Ibuprofen untouched this morning. Want to tell me what that's all about?”
    It surprises her that this hasn't come up sooner. They all want to talk about her chronic refusal of any pharmaceuticals before long. 
   “No.” Sarris glances over her shoulder, where she knows her watch dog nurse is on standby, waiting for the slightest hint that her assistance is needed. 
    The woman comes to guide her to a nearby seat, the doctor backs off without further prying, and the soldier—the soldier wishes that was what she still were. 

    //

    Nights are the hardest. The longest. 
    When the doctors are gone and the nurses settle in for the night shift. There is only beeping in the halls from computers and monitors—they sound like an IED and Sarris has to tell herself to breathe. 
    Darkness blankets everything, because the rest of the patients are sleeping, and the lights have been flicked off for the night. 
    Sarris sits upright in her bed, fingers flexing, wanting of some sort of safeguard against possible attack. 
    PTSD, the psychologist says when three weeks pass and her nurses grow tired of her ceaseless vigils, calling in reinforcements to deal with what they see as a problem. 
    Sarris doesn't disagree with him. 
    He's right. She spent almost eight years over there—she knows the signs, from others and in herself. 
    But it’s also saved her life and for Sarris, it isn’t a problem; she knows how to run on four hours of restless sleep for weeks, even months, if that’s how long it takes to disconnect her mind from the belief that she’s still on the frontlines. 
    And she knows how to stop herself dead in less than a heartbeat to keep from killing someone when they approach without warning.
    By this time, there is no solution to it for her. There is no recovery, no treatment, there is no coming back. There is just Sarris Nadir, once gangbanger turned soldier. 
    You don’t want to see me on drugs; is her only explanation, skipping his prognosis of ”you have severe post-traumatic stress and need to start getting help” altogether,  and knows the psychologist’s mind is racing behind his neutral expression as she gets up to leave.
    
    //

    The weather starts to turn. 
    Sarris watches the leave start to bronze from her glass box on the sixth floor up. 
    The air is too moist still, too heavy with water for her comfort. She is used to scorched earth and deserts. Lips peeling, skin cracking, nose bleeding. Air so dry it sucks the life out of everything it comes in contact with. 
    Humidity sets her on edge, her senses telling her something is wrong, even when she slips into brief unconsciousness. 
    Fall begins to bear down on them and Sarris gets quiet. Says less. Withdraws further. 
    She hates the crutches, hates the wheelchair, and does not pass a day without wishing that that d--n bomber had done his job as well as she’d done hers. 
    Bleeding out in the sand would’ve been a less cruel fate than this. 
    The voices in her head have no sympathy. They pleasure in the black swallowing her, the helplessness killing her. 
    Sarris wakes up and aches to move. She wishes for death if only to escape the weakness of the body she has relied on for so many years to be strong. There is no strength in her legs, her arm will not respond when she needs it to, and the loss of hearing in her right ear has given way to an incessant ringing in her left. 
   Each morning is a reminder that she is never going to run again, is never going to be able to tackle an obstacle course, fire a rifle, swing a punch, or carry a comrade like she once did. 
    She is a soldier to her very marrow. 
    And living through every day in rehabilitation is a steady stab to her soul that tells her she can no longer be.


//


    Cliffhanger!Siani strikes again and I am so sorry. Inspiration cuts in and out on a regular basis for me.

    But, personally, I like this scrawl. I tried to get snips of a different writing style in there, focusing more on the abstract and letting reality drift in now and then, which... sort of worked. Maybe. You can decide.

    It is kind of depressing, which I apologize for. But Sarris is a person of motion, of action, and, as we catch glimpses of in this au, repaying for a crime she committed years ago. And her method of payment has been ripped away from her in one fell swoop, depriving her of drive and purpose for life. It'll take a while for her to find a new way to keep pushing forward.

    Her story actually parallels quite nicely with the original storyline, although, between the different galaxy version and the here on Earth version of Sarris' story, here on Earth has quite a few less extremes. 

    And yes, Novarr is a rehab doctor. Don't ask me. He's one of those stupidly talented people who can do whatever they want, more or less, if they put their mind to it. I think the doctor gig was a mid-life crisis escapade. Unusual, considering most guys might buy a car, but he's an unusual sort of chap.

    Is love in the air?

    Hard to say. He's the bane of Sarris' existence at the moment, but he's started that way in all the other 'verses too. We'll have to see.

    As always, I welcome comments, critiques, or whatever ambly, rambly thought passes through your head. Let me know, yeah?

    Thank you for reading. ^_^

    Ad astra per aspera.
    To the stars, through difficulty. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Writing: take me back to the start (J&D AU)

    Yes, again with the AU. I'm sorry. I watched a movie, got inspired, and wrote 2,000+ words for Jandy and Dech.

    So the movie was called In Your Eyes and it was an independent film written by Joss Whedon that wasn't actually all that great, because language and inappropriate stuffs, but the premise was too good to pass up. Telepathic connection between two ordinary folks in America. From when they were kids. 

    I know, right?! 

    The circumstances were too similar to Jandy and Dech's for me to pass it up. Watched it, mulled on it, sat down to write "inspired by" scribbles. 

    It should be mostly self-explanatory. I'm guessing it's in America, but I fudged with cities a bit, so maybe an alternate USA? Dunno. Settings aren't my thing. Just go with it.

    Um. Yeah. It's not done. (Surprise, surprise.) But it's a good start. So. Enjoy?

    Oh, and content warning for near assaultDech comes to save the day, of course, but just as a head's up. 


    Eight years old and—
    --bracing for the impact, ready to take the blow for her sister, willing to add another bruise to her colorful collection if only so Jane would be safe. She wasn’t surprised, but felt that way anyways.
    --freezing mid-step; foreign, uninitiated pain lancing through him, sheer shock overwhelming him, while Gage turned to question why he’d stopped walking.

    Shared triumph, blood singing—
    --he was gone. Gone, gone, gone. Mom cried but Jandy hugged Jane tight and buried her face in her sister’s shoulder to hide her smile. He’d skipped town and now Jane was safe from him. The pride shouldn’t have been there, but she was too glad to care.
    --Father’s friend, telling him that he had a place in the academy waiting for him, when he was old enough. The pride on his remaining parent’s face made him want to grin and never stop. It was easy to brush off the mind-numbing relief that flooded him in the wake of Father’s approval.

    Running, heart pounding, lungs burning—
    --because Mom was dead, Mom was dead, she was so cold, so, so cold and now they were alone, alone, alone and crap, she was just fifteen, not even close to being through school, how was she supposed to protect Jane like this
    --pushing himself to the limit, desperate to go faster, farther, beat the clock every time. You want to be the best, you have to work for it, and then faltering, pace stuttering, feet stumbling over air. He went to his hands and knees, panting with a wave of panic that didn’t make sense.

    Seventeen, worked to the bone, and realizing—
    --she wasn’t scared of the lighting that ripped the sky in half, nor the thunder that shook the walls, because Jane was out cold behind her, tucked between her back and the wall and there was no reason to fear and yet. Her hands trembled. Her eyes smarted. She shouldn’t have been afraid and yet she was, so she pushed back.
    --lying in bed in his cold room, listening to the rain pound against the glass, trying not to imagine that night from his childhood years, so blurred in his memories but still having such a hold over him, when foreign warmth crept through him, gentle fingertips against his fear. Safety. Contentment. A good sort of tired. He grasped at it and didn’t let go.

    A legal adult in their own right—
    --Emancipated, freed, done with the system, done with being a ward of the state. Getting to take custody of her sister and walk away. Getting that job they lined up for her. Putting down the money she’d earned before leaving to get them that shoebox-sized closet. And laying on the floor that night, listening to Jane breathe, while she closed her eyes and searched for that taut nerve within her that had been drawing tighter all day.
    --Receiving his orders and having to come to terms with leaving his home and his father. His lifelines in his darkness and confusion. Packing his things to leave at dawn then crawling between the sheets for the last time, and finding that feeling already waiting to ease the tension from his shoulders. He didn’t understand it, where it was coming from, why it was there, but it made it easier to sleep and he wasn’t going to protest.

    Tired, angry, frustrated—
    --Slamming the fridge door, shoving her backpack across the rickety wooden table to the floor. Jane, Jane, Jane. Her sister, hiding in the bathroom where she thought her tears wouldn’t be overheard. Too long a day at work, too bad of news waiting. And then, a breath of air.
    --Winding up, wanting to hit something, almost letting the hatred glaze over him before stopping. Thinking. Not his own. Like that pain from when he was eight, coming out of nowhere. Except, somewhere. Because it changed, it felt different from day-to-day, and it was always strongest at night. He closed his eyes and reached.


    Neither of them accepted the reality of their situation until Jandy turned twenty and something happened that they couldn’t ignore the meaning behind.
    She’d been recruited to work as a waitress at a halfway decent club downtown, and the pay was twice as good as her diner gig—she’d been through four jobs in the last two and a half years, always seeking something that paid more. Because Jane talked about college with a dreamy look in her eyes, talked about making the system better, and she knew what she wanted to do with her future.
    Jandy’s future was giving Jane a chance, so she did what she had to to keep the rent paid, the fridge full, clothes on their back, and a steady stream of income to their savings account. They’d agreed that Jane would work too, for a few years, so that they could put enough money aside to get her through a few years of college.
    (That doesn’t mean Jandy doesn’t pull a few extra shifts one year, to get her sister into a class at a community college, just a few weeks of Introductory Psychology, as a Christmas present.)
    The club is full of pounding lights and booming music and appreciative eyes, everything that she had never had a chance to explore but is now learning too much about. But her salary is good, because the owner likes her because his patrons like her—something about being told no—so she stays.
    Jane has a job in a much better part of town, in Upper New Sanno, working as a nanny after Jandy had pulled some major strings through some of her old acquaintances in the social services office. She brings even more money home, but all of that goes into savings. Jandy refuses to let her field even a dime of their daily expenses.
    This is my job. This is why I’m here. So stop arguing with me, Jane.
    It’s going well. She becomes a creature of the night, sleeping during the day and staying awake through the night because of work, and this means she barely sees her sister, but she pushes through the exhaustion every Sunday so she can spend at least the afternoon with Jane.
    There’s no explanation to how it happens. She never accepts drinks, food, or favors from the club’s patrons, but it is halfway through the night and she gets dizzy, then nauseous, then her limbs are like lead. Jandy gets one of the other girls to cover for her while she stumbles out the back door to the rancid alley behind the club.
    Night air only does so much, but it helps clear the cigarette smoke from her sinuses and eases the pounding in her head.
    Then there is a low chuckle and her body will not listen to her and panic closes her throat—
    --he has to excuse himself in the middle of their study group because his stomach threatens to upheave his dinner and something isn’t right—
    Jandy wants to kick him hard, slash at his face with her tended nails, but it is all she can do to stay upright as he pins her against the brick of the building, her skin crawling as cold seeps through her shirt. He smells like cigarette smoke and hard liquor and dreadful promises.
    --he gets his first image, transferred through sheer panic, as his fingers curl around the edges of the counter in the library bathroom, and sees dark eyes and a malicious, shadowed smile, and knows he has to do something
    And for a moment, she doesn’t see her attacker but another man altogether, illuminated in warm light that is not here, with short hair and a clean-shaven jaw and desperation in green eyes, and then--
    There is no warning, no explanation, but anger and clarity tear through her and Jandy wants to sob with relief but her body starts responding despite the drugs in her system, because the control is coming from somewhere else and she is able to wrench herself loose. Her arm jars badly, but the crunch of his nose as she rams the heel of her hand into it is so, so satisfying and she follows it up with a brutal knee to the groin.
    Jandy staggers away, back to the relative safety of the club, and there is no reason for the riled protectiveness trembling in her limbs, because she was the one in danger, not Jane—Jane is safe at home—, and she sinks to the ground once she’s inside, shaking. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.
    --the danger is gone, he is gone, and Dechlan feels shuddering relief because they’re safe, they’re safe—
    They’re safe—she cradles her head between her arms, accepting the embrace of warmth that surrounds her, and she should be freaking out because there is someone in her head and has been almost her whole life, but she can’t.
    She gets the week off of work while the club owner investigates the situation and gets the authorities involved, because he can’t have people thinking it’s okay to go after his girls. The police show up on her doorstep, while she is buried in a pile of blankets, sleeping off the drugs and luxuriating in not having to go anywhere. 
    Their questions make her glad that Jane is not home.
    

    The thing, their thing, whatever it is, gets stronger after that. Emotion doesn’t have to peak so strongly anymore, but it does help. It makes her feel safe, especially when she’s at work, because whoever it is, whoever he is—because she knows now that face superimposed over her attacker’s was his—is always there. 
    

    Jane notices something is off.
    Because she is Jane, and she is Jandy’s twin sister, and they are very different, but still very, very similar in some ways.
    Which means Jandy falls into their apartment—a different one from three years ago, a better one—at seven am, after a long night at work, and finds her sister sitting there, arms crossed with a mug of coffee waiting. 
    The look in her eyes means business and so the elder of the two just sighs, slings her backpack towards the couch, and slouching into one of the kitchen chairs. She is so past the help of coffee, but accepts it anyways, working to keep her tired mind from rabbiting after her mental buddy.
    (This terminology amuses her because it can be taken two ways, and the fact that she has even begun to accept that this is the way things are means that she is totally off her rocker.)
    “You’ve been acting weird.” Jane gets right to the point. They share that trait—a disdain for beating around the bush.
    “Well, I am weird, so there is that.” Jandy muses, taking a long draught of the warm beverage in her hand before working on perfecting her dead cat sprawl across her creaky dining room chair.
    Even though the angle of her head means she’s staring at the ceiling, the huff from her sister is impossible to miss. “You know what I mean. It started with that—that time, last year, at the club. I heard what the doctor said on the phone, Jandy. You shouldn’t have been able to fight back like you did. And ever since then, you’ve just been really weird. Like, you just get in these moods sometimes that have nothing to do with what’s going on.”
    This surprises Jandy until she realizes that Jane is right. Of course, Jane is almost always right, but the point still stands. “Ah.”
    A warm hand covers her, soft against her dry, almost rough skin due to too many washings and when she moves her gaze from the water stain in the corner to her sister’s eyes, Jandy is confronted with That Look. 
    That Look has been her weakness since they were little. In that moment, the elder of the duo knows she isn’t getting out of this conversation with her secret intact.
    “I’m worried, Jandy. Please, tell me what’s going on.” 
    And just like that, she’s a goner.
    Letting out a long breath, Jandy leaned forward to settle her elbows on the tabletop, clasping her twin’s fingers in her own. A weary smile pulled at the corner of her mouth as she murmured, “Okay, okay. Stop with the puppy eyes.”
    Relief is clear in the shaky laugh that leaves Jane and she intertwines their fingers, holding on tight as she waits in expectant silence.
    Jandy makes good on her word and leaves very little out. She starts at the beginning, from the first time she remembered that alien tendril of emotion when she was just eight years old, through the years since then, all the way to six months ago, when his presence had been the defining factor in her escape. 


    And there we go. Scribbles. It's actually really nice for Jane to still be around. She's an adorable character, even though fated to die. Pretty sure I still had plans to kill her in this AU. Though with less, ah, dramatic circumstances?

    Which in turn would be the driving force that brings Jandy and Dechlan to meet in person. It was going to be very angsty. Mayhap I'll get inspired to finish at some point. We'll have to see.

    Thoughts, comments, and critiques are always welcome! I promise I don't bite and am fairly timely in my responses. 

    Thanks for reading!
    Ad astra per aspera.
    To the stars, through difficulties.

Friday, October 31, 2014

PSA + Writing: Anomaly, Not Prodigy

    Going for a record-breaking four posts in the span of just a couple weeks. Although this one isn't just more scribbles.

    I, against my better judgement and probable eventual mental breakdown, am aiming to attempt NaNoWriMo again this year. The project, as you might have assumed by my recent rash of posts, will be (retitled) Anomaly, Not Prodigy. How far I will get I have no idea, because there is a whole bunch of schoolwork I have to do as well.

    But, we shall see what occurs, ne?

    For those curious about following my progress, here's the link to my NaNo page for Anomaly, Not Prodigy, complete with synopsis and Novel Excerpt (that is liable to change). Seeing as NaNo starts tomorrow, the rest of my day is going to be world development cramming and whipping up a few more new characters and just generally attempting to have things as ready as possible.

    http://nanowrimo.org/participants/siani-delaney/novels/anomaly-not-prodigy

    Wish me luck.

    Now for the second portion of this post. I wanted to upload some more writing in case I don't get hardly anything up in November, although if I do manage to scrawl some decent stuff for Anomaly, Not Prodigy, you guys may get a sneak peek at what I hope becomes my next completed novel. (Fingers crossed so hard.)

    This bit is another from my 18 page, Jaz + Renner document that took up much of my attention last week. Spoiler alert but Jaz has just learned that the man who single-handedly trained her into the soldier that she is today, has been killed. His name is Min and she doesn't not take the news of his demise well. Ren is the one to intervene.

    To be on the safe side I'm going to give a slight content warning for brief, mild language (most edited out) and thematic elements. 

    And this scene is subject to change in the near or maybe somewhat far future. Since it's come to my attention that writing Jaz late at night means that she turns out kind of bipolar and since she's not... yeah. Anyways.


    Monsoon season. 
    Never ending rain.
    Always soaked through. Perpetual squishing in her boots.
    Four laps around the path, splashing through puddles, lungs burning.
    Drop at the start line. Thirty push-ups. Back on her feet.
    Run. Fast lap, slow lap. Easy run to a full-out sprint.
    It was late afternoon but it looked like dusk with the heavy cloud cover.
    Rainwater dripped into her eyes, caused her hair to cling to her face, her neck. Jaz flicked strands of auburn back, feeling her tied up hair swing to and fro with her movement.
    Her everything was on fire but she was numb. 
    Not him, not him, not him, not him. The rhythm matched the tempo of her feet as she fled an invisible foe.
    She took the curve too fast, her tennis shoes finding a water-slicked spot and then she was unbalanced, sliding across the spongy surface. Jaz went down hard, wrenching her knee to the side and then gasping in pain when her shoulder and head impacted with almost as much force.
    The rain didn’t slow. Lungs heaving for breath to deal with the pain, Jasmine curled in on herself. Get up. We’re not done yet.
    Roll onto stomach. Shove upwards. Get your good leg under you. Shake it off. Keep going.
    Her knee buckled. Jaz almost went down again, but compensated, panting for breath as she doubled over, hands on her thighs. 
    Jade-green eyes squeezed shut to keep water from streaming in. 
    This wasn’t happened. This hadn’t happened. He would still be there. She’d walk in the bar and he’d wave her over and ask about her missions. His dark eyes would reserve judgment until she’d filled him in and then he’d nod and say “you’re doing well” or “good work” or—or—
    Jaz start a stumbling run again, pain ricocheting through her leg and she didn’t care. She didn’t care. She didn’t care.
    “The Chief Commander agreed that, in the absence of your teammates, one-on-one training would be beneficial to your improvement.”
    “Flicker. As far as you can. Go.”
    “Again.”
    “Again.”
    “Stop. Sleep. We’ll do more tomorrow.”
    “Take the target. I will be here.”
    “You’ve gotten stronger. Go farther.”
    “You’re late. Don’t let it happen again.”
    “You want to be an elite—act like it.”
    “Again.”
    “Use your instincts. Don’t think. React. Come again.”
    “You think you’re that good? Prove it.”
    “Again.”
    “Remain conscious. Losing awareness now will ensure your death and that would be troublesome to me.”
    “How many times have I told you? Pay attention. You want to be the best, then you learn how to protect yourself so you don’t burden your teammates.”
    “Again.”
    “Tell me about your teammates.”
    “Again.”
    “Tell me about your family.”
    “Again.”
    “You have come very far, Jasmine. Good work.”
    She dropped, catching herself with her hands and bent toes inside her shoes. Down. Up. Down. Up. Hard shove off, hand clap, down. Up. Down. Up. Hand behind back, other centered beneath her. Down. Up. Down. Up.
    It’d been last week. He’d caught her in the hall of headquarters last week, curious about her schedule.
    “Sorry, sensei. I’m slated to head out for an investigation at the south border tonight, but I’ll be back in five days and I’ll find you at the Tipping Point so we can catch up.”
    “Very well. Be careful.”
    Idiot. Idiot. Telling her to be careful when she was doing a routine inspection and then—
    Jaz held herself on the up of her push-up, jaw clenched against the way her arms were turning to jelly, trembling from the strain she was putting them under.
    Dead. Dead. Dead, dead, dead.
    Dead like Mio. Dead like Levi. Cold. Stiff. Lifeless. Dead.
    Jaz struggled to get back on her feet. Her knee would be in no condition for anything in a few hours and she didn’t care. She’d been confined to the city-state until further notice anyways. 
    Blast Whitecourt.
    The joint was already stiffening. It protested when the soldier started to run again, breaths coming in jagged gasps, from physical pain, from devastation, from exhaustion, from defeat, from despair.
    Jade-green eyes blinked to keep the pouring rain from blinding her. First curve, straight stretch. 
    She wouldn’t cry. Didn’t know how she could—not after Mio and Levi.
    Why bother. Why bother. What’s the point, if they all die?
    I hate you, Min. I hate you. I hate you. You weren’t supposed to leave. You were more of a dad than anybody else has ever been to me in this city. You saw me for my potential, not for my roots. 
   Second curve, straight stretch, headed back towards the start line. Three more laps. A form in one of their black uniforms, face a pale splotch through the inclement weather, waiting for her.
    Jaz continued her limping run, drawing in a lungful of air through her nose, letting it out through her lips, trying to stem off the stitch forming in her side. 
    It was Renner. Always Renner. Aristocratic features drawn, hands in his pockets.
    “What.” She went down to do her push-ups, arms almost buckling. If she couldn’t run, she’d do this instead.
    “I just got back. Whitecourt told me.” His boots scuffed across the spongy track and he crouched down at her side.
    Jaz didn’t spare him a glance, gaze trained on the ground. Up. Down. Up. Down. Don’t stop. Can’t stop. Don’t stop. Can’t stop. Down. Up. Down.
    “Stop.” There was that voice again, the one that meant Ren wasn’t kidding around. “Jasmine, stop.”
    It went ignored. “What do you want, Mason?” She knew the reversion to his last name would throw him and that would buy her time to finish and get back up to run. Renner was predictable, to her. 
    Ren broke her expectations, this time. There was an irritated huff, then Jaz watched him stand up in her peripherals, and was caught unawares when a heavy boot was planted between her shoulder blades.
    Jaz tried to lock up in time to keep from collapsing, but was too off guard, her senses too dulled by exhaustion and grief to react in time. Ren applied pressure and she buckled, her arms giving out and she hit the ground—again.
    Her earlier impacted shoulder complained against the rough handling.
    Turning her head so she wouldn’t drown, Jaz heaved for air before making to get up again. 
    Ren shoved her back down, merciless. 
    “Get off my blasted case, Mason,” she spat between pants, using her able arm to shove herself away from Renner’s foot and onto her back. 
    Not her brightest idea. Raindrops splattered against her exposed face, blinding in their intensity. Respite came in the shape of Renner Mason leaning over her, his jaw set.
    “No. Get up. You’re going home.” Hard. Unflinching. Adamant.
    “I’m not done.” Sparked temper, unhidden anger.
    “The hell you are. Get on your feet, O’Haire. That’s an order.” Ren reached down to grab her by the collar of her jacket, reminiscent and yet not of a reversed situation years ago, and pulled her up.
    Jaz’s body refused to fight anymore, and all she could manage was to latch onto his wrists, her head lolling backwards at the sudden change in position. Ren dragged her closer, she tried to backpedal, and he just tugged her back again. 
   “Stop. Fighting.” He clipped off the words, dark eyes narrowed. Dangerous. Not someone to cross.
    She couldn’t have been accused of being that smart. “You don’t know anything, Mason. Now get your hands off me.”
    “No. Because the moment I do is the moment you go back trying to kill yourself.”
    Pain burned through her but Jaz only let it fuel the fire. “Did you ever think that maybe right here is where I need to be, Mason? That this is how I deal?”
    “Only those with no one left deal this way. You are not alone.” A small shake punctuated Ren’s heavy tone, as if he were attempting to shake his version of sense into her. 
    Now it wasn’t just pain kindling embers in her chest, but her eyes smarted. “Don’t talk to me about loss, Mason.”
    Thin lips let out a hissing breath and Ren’s fingers tightened further in her jacket. “Listen to yourself, Jasmine. This is not you.”
    “Maybe this is me, you’ve just been too oblivious to notice it in all your fascination with the runt of the pack,” Jaz sneered, bitter, lashing out in the only way she had left. “The little mongrel that Daddy said you weren’t allowed to play with. Ever think of that with that genius brain of yours? Maybe you didn’t care because why should you? The daughter of the drunk and the whore, the only one to not put you on a pedestal.”
    Stop. Stop talking. Stop.
    Ren slapped her.
    The air left her lungs at the blow, head turned from the low force of it. She swallowed, then found her face brought back around by cold fingers grasping her chin. Jade-green eyes flickered upwards.
    “If you,” the temperature felt like it dropped when Renner posed the words to her, deadly calm and his eyes frigid. “Dare to insinuate that you are only a fascination to me again, you will find yourself alone, Jasmine O’Haire.”
    That killed any remnant of fight left in her. Jaz felt like a cork had been pulled and now her every wayward emotion was emptying from her with a speed that made her already shaky legs impossible to stand on.
    Renner’s hold on her jacket was released as he grabbed her upper arms, keeping her upright. The ice had disappeared—that was a scare tactic she did not need to see from him again anytime soon—and her longtime friend was there to support her.
    “You need to go home,” Ren murmured, helping her regain her feet. 
    Jaz nodded, tremulous, deflated, ready to drop again at a moment’s notice, and clung to his arms, needing the grounding effect just feeling him there brought.
    Not gone. 
    Not yet.
    “You can’t go anywhere.” Jaz lifted her head to plead with him, jade-green eyes shadowed in her grief. “You can’t go anywhere, Ren. I can’t—not again. Not anymore than this.”
    Ren pushed back one response, then shook his head. “I will do the best I can.”
    And that was it. She knew that would be all he would give her, because they both knew what their line of work meant, how dangerous it was.
    How many losses there were, even in times of peace.
    “I will carry you. You are not strong enough to flicker and you’ve injured your knee.” The business-like tone was chosen to draw her from her thoughts, distract her.
    Jaz wanted to kick up a fuss. The retorts were there, ready to be used, but she couldn’t get her brain to connect to her tongue. So she just sagged in Renner’s supportive grip, awaiting whatever decisions he came to.
    Just like he had done with her, when his own grief had propelled him to her door.
    Rain continued to pour down around them. Fitting, considering, but she wished it would stop. 
    Maybe if the sky would stop crying, then she could do so instead.


    I ended up liking this scrawl quite a lot, myself, although I mentioned Ren's rough handling to my sister and she did that disapproving brow pinch and said that there had to be a more chivalrous way for him to handle the situation.

   Unfortunately for her, chivalrous and gentlemanly is one of the first things on the list of "This Will Not Work When it Comes to Jasmine O'Haire". Even more so when she's in this state of mind. 

    At any rate, this will be October's last post, and I do hope to see you all in November, to update you on my NaNo progress if nothing else. 

    Thank you for reading! 

    Ad astra per aspera.
    To the stars, through difficulties.