Writing: "nerves"

   Truth be told, I can't remember when I wrote this. It was in the last year, I know that much, but otherwise, I'm quite in the dark. The computer says 8/17/2012, but that could be the last time I edited it.

   This scribble is... a part of my heart, I guess. Nobody probably reads the tags, but for this one I've added "best friends" to the handful of identifying markers because I wrote this with myself and Penny's friendship in mind.

   While day described in the scrawl has not yet come for either of us (I am only seventeen, after all), I believe it shall, and when it does, I quite expect I shall be this nervous mess, on both counts. Maybe. We'll just have to see now, won't we?

   You should also note this isn't exactly representative of how Penny and I's conversations tend to go, but it is how some of them look to me. My grown-up, mature, and quite insightful ENFP of a best friend, giving me advice that makes me pause and go, "Oh, I hadn't though of it like that..." 

   The format is a bit weird, so it may take you a couple of sentences to adjust. Otherwise, I hope you'll find this to be amusing, if not a bit heart-warming.

   (The height difference is totally accurate though. I'm 5'Nothing" to her... 5'6", Penny?)

   Is this where I should comment that any similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental?


   i clasp my hands over my stomach, over that white, white fabric that has enveloped my small frame, its many folds trailing out behind me and whispering whenever i move. nervous anxiety has gripped me and it makes my guts begin to churn.
   where my mother is, i have no idea. the others all left me what felt like hours ago but must only be a few minutes in reality, per my own request.
   i'd wanted a little bit of time to compose myself and the only result thus far had been to only make myself more uncertain.
   had i made the right choice? was this who god was leading me to? could i spend the rest of my life with this man?
   the thoughts weighed down on me, forcing me to find a seat and try to regain my nerve.
   you've known him for years, everyone likes you, you love him, i told myself, taking in a deep breath, and then stilling when i heard the door into the room open.
   the eyes that peeked in i would've known anywhere and the questioning look made me smile despite myself.
   "can i come in?" she asked, stepping more fully into my line of vision.
   "always," i murmured in reply, dropping my gaze to my lap.
   she knows how to read me, she'll know what's going on.
   not that there is anything wrong with that.
   as i thought she would, my best friend of what must be almost two decades now came to sit next to me, smoothing out the fabric of her own gown - a gorgeous blue that she'd helped me pick out for the bridesmaid dresses.
   "it's okay to be scared." she said after a moment, voice quiet in the otherwise still room. "it's not everyday you decide to give your life to someone else forever."
   "thank you for that reminder," i grumbled halfheartedly, stomach rolling again because i can't do this but i can't dream of not doing this and--
   "trust me," she murmured softly and i felt her hand on my back, rubbing a vague circle to try and calm me. "i've been in your shoes before."
   "you wouldn't fit my shoes," i couldn't help but insert this somewhat witty comment, trying desperately to cover up my insecurity.
   her laugh was quiet, but i could tell she's not distracted from the original subject. "you remember last time we were in this position but our roles were reversed, right?"
   i mumbled an affirmative, recalling that time three years ago incredibly well, despite the time that had passed since.
   "you thought i was nervous but trying to hide it and took it upon yourself to try and reassure me, remember?" there's amusement in her voice and i huffed in response to it. "what was it you told me again?"
   "i just said that there was nothing to worry about because, in the movies, he's always just as nervous as she is, but you love each other and that'll make everything okay. even if you trip walking up the aisle, which you won't because you've got your big, buff daddy there to hold you up." i recited dutifully, then felt my ears heat. yes, i remembered every word of my nervous speech to my not-nervous best friend on her wedding day.
   i had practiced it for days in advance, after all.
   humor was back in her tone. "i haven't got anything like that for you, but maybe you should listen to your own advice."
   "i'd rather hear yours," i murmured, finally glancing up at her and seeing the warmth in her dark eyes. "if you've got anything. if not, that's fine. i can totally come up with something on my own and --"
   "hey," she stopped me with the quiet word, heading off my uneasy ramble before it got any further. "i have got something, if you're willing to hear it."
   "always."
   she nodded, studied me another moment, then said, "you love him, yes?"
   a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. "you actually want an answer to that?"
   there's laughter in her eyes again but she didn't let it escape her. "you told me the day you met him that you'd fallen in love with his eyes and his smile. a year later you said you thought god might be trying to tell you something when it came to you and him because nothing ever felt so right when you were together. you two kept god right here all through your journey to this point," the words were spoken quietly as she touched a finger to where my heart lay. "and he never asked you to give each other up. i am of the opinion, that when god approves, you're in love, your parents have given their permission, and your friends are in total agreement, you've found the right guy."
   i watched her quietly, always unsure of how to reply to her wisdom, but this time it seemed she had a bit more to say, saving me from the embarrassment of my own words a few minutes longer.
   "so when your dad comes to that door in a few minutes," she continued at last. "i want to see your chin held high and a smile on your face because you are marrying the man you love. and i like to think that god is up there smiling somewhere because one of his precious children is getting married today and he could not be more proud of you."
   words stuck to my throat and i couldn't speak for a moment. "you cannot make me cry right now because my sister put heavens-knows how much makeup on my face that has the potential to smear."
   now she laughs, the sound quiet yet loud in the small room and i can't help but join her.
   when our amusement dies down, i hug her, having to go up on tiptoe so i can rest my chin on her shoulder, arms tight around her "thank you," i whisper, emotion making my voice uneven. "thank you so much for everything."
   "you're welcome," she whispers in reply, her embrace just as tight as mine is.
   "there will still be an us after this," i say, drawing back enough to look at her face and seeing the tears in her eyes. "he and i will get back from the honeymoon and it'll be back to instant messaging everyday and random phone calls whenever we feel like it."
   "maybe not everyday," humor is back on her face. "but often."
   i let out a gusty sigh. "every other day, then. i can't live without you for that long, you know."


   So, there you have it. I've always found that the art of writing without any capitalization to be a somewhat... special one, I suppose. It makes it feel more personal to me, somehow.

   But anyways. I shall leave you to your day, while I got and watch North & South starring Richard Armitage, who many of you might know as Thorin from The Hobbit.

   Many thanks, dear readers, for doing what you do best when it comes to this blog, and that is, reading, as one might expect. Have a lovely Sunday or Monday or whatever day it is when you read this.

   Ad astra per aspera.
   To the stars, through difficulties.